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Master the Art of Apologizing (Sreedevi krishnan)

Published on 05 October, 2020
Master the Art of Apologizing (Sreedevi krishnan)
True, right from childhood our parents & teachers insist on using the magic words. And we often say ‘I’m sorry’ emotionless, almost robotic, hardly realizing its magical power to bring about significant changes in our personal & professional life.

In the present day scenario of mad rush for success, fame & money, our relationships  are often fractured & even broken. But a genuine apology can successfully salvage a marriage, friendship or an employer-employee relationship. So, mastering the art of effective apology is absolutely essential for a relatively problem-free life.

According to Researchers, an ‘effective apology’ offers an explanation communicating remorse, shame, humility and anxiety for reconciliation.
Dr. Lazare, an eminent Psychiatrist emphatically says, an apologizer must have an ‘attitude of regret & feeling of remorse in response to the sufferings of the victim.’

Dr. Gary Chapman .author of the “Five Languages of Love, describes the fundamental aspects of ‘language’ of an apology thus:

Expressing regret ———’I’m sorry’
Accepting responsibility —”I was wrong”
Making restitution ——“What can I do to make it right?”
Genuinely requesting forgiveness —”Will you please forgive me?”

Here’s an example of how a genuine apology restored & strengthened the relationship between two families.

Rajan did not invite his younger brother’s family, for his daughter’s ‘engagement Though his brother married a Christian girl ,Anna from Kerala,much against the opposition of the Orthodox  Brahmin family, they came to terms with it over the years . And diringblong absence of Kishore as a captain , Rajan was the father figure for Kishore”S two children .
 
But , the publication of Anna’s short story , with  realistic portrayal of a traditional, Iyengar wedding, made not only Rajan but also the entire family . And they declared a sort of ‘Fatwa ‘ and did not invite her for the wedding of Rajan’s daughter’s.
When Kishore  came on his holidays,he realized his family”S fault especially because none of the elders except a distant nephew read the offensive’ story  by her,

Then, one day, with a huge plum cake, a lovely gold bordered, off white ‘Kerala sari and of course a heart filled with guilt & remorse, Anna went to visit her brother in law. Choked with unshed tears, she asked forgiveness for hurting their feelings. Soon, it was their turn to be apologetic for not treating her as their family member.

.Anna’s apology has all the right ingredients of a genuine & successful apology. She realized her mistake and was strong enough to own it up. It is certainly not a sign of her weakness or lack of self-esteem. In fact, it shows her inner strength to admit her mistake and her extreme anxiety for a reconciliation between her loving husband & his family

GK Chesterton points out, “A stiff apology is a second insult - the injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged, he wants to be healed because he has been hurt”
Here is a case of such stiff apology which made an indelible dent in the most intimate mother-daughter relationship.

Mrs. Philip, a nurse, not only brought up her only daughter, Rina, single-handedly after her husband’s death, but also made sure that she fulfilled her husband’s dream of seeing her as a Doctor .She played a major role in bringing the best out of her daughter by toil, tears, and prayers. Strongly believing in fervent prayer, during Rina’s exam, she used to kneel & pray for three hours, till she finished writing her Exam paper.


Later, Rina married her colleague Arun and the Doctor couple eventually migrated to Toronto. But, weekly phone calls, emails & Mrs. Philip’s 6months’ stay in Toronto, almost made up for the separation between mother& daughter.
Then, during her routine weekend call, an excited Rina told her mother about her visit to Kottayam en route Madras Medical College for centenary celebration. An ecstatic Mrs. Philip toiled for days & made Arun’s& Rina’s favorite snacks & pickles.


After a couple of days’ stay in Kottayam, while Rina was getting ready for her flight to Chennai, her mother ,handed over two neatly-packed parcels  & an envelope & explained, “Moley, you remember your Godmother Aunty Mary? . She is now retired & stays all alone in her flat in Anna Nagar. Please go to her place, give this parcel, her cell no. & address on the envelope; just like you, she too loves my tender-mango pickle, poor thing”, she sighed deeply .Without noticing the frown forming on Rina’s face, she continued, “Remember , Aunty Mary was so fond of you & used to give  you expensive gifts,” she paused .” Yes, for your sixth birthday, you wore the frock she had gifted, you used to call it ‘butterfly frock’”…Mrs. Philip chuckled.
Suddenly she heard her daughter’s high-pitched voice, “Sorry Mom, I’ve absolutely no time to visit YOUR friend.”
Ignoring the obvious arrogance in her daughter’s words, Mrs. Philip said, “But, you can always send a transport & ask her to come for lunch or dinner to your hotel, after all, this’s a rare chance for Aunty to see you & also enjoy the 5 star luxury.”
“Huh! What a great idea!! Why are you so exasperating, mom? “IMPOSSIBLE” is not the word”
This unexpected outburst silenced Mrs. Philip.
Rina did not contact her mother till she reached Toronto. Then, in her weekend call, Rina enthusiastically narrated her Chennai stay, trip to Mahabalipuram, ‘Ladies Night’ in the Hotel, her fabulous looks in the expensive ‘Anarkali’ suit, a gift from her friends which even her American colleagues admire etc. etc.
After hearing her patiently, Mrs. Philip heaved a deep sigh & said in a hardly audible voice, “ So, if you wanted, you could have invited Aunty Mary”....and before she could complete, Rina interrupted impatiently, “I’m sorry Mom, it’s not intentional, my stay in the 5 star hotel is something I’ve earned,  it was a necessity not a luxury ,as far as I’m concerned, YES, an opportunity to relax ,to unwind myself , Arun understands it and you’re my mom and...... and….anyways I apologize; I don’t want to think of some past incident & spoil my present mood, thank God, unlike you, I don’t dwell in the past, I don’t even have your memory, even this, ‘Aunty Mary ‘ incident, I remember because you brought it up. Anyways, Sorry, Sorry Sorry Oh! It’s past midnight Mom, call you next week, LOVE you, bye”.

Rina belongs to the majority of today’s youngsters, who cannot apologize & to whom, as Elton John said, “’Sorry’ seems to be the hardest word”. In fact, they get annoyed at the expectation of an apology. They try to justify themselves and finally say a flippant ‘sorry’ to avoid confrontation. Naturally, their apology fails to end the resentment, instead it adds a layer to the resentment.

When adrenaline shooting through their veins and thousands of people watching, Athletes from Serena Williams to Srisanth, do have outbursts in the heat of the moment. And the public is willing to forgive their behavior, if the athlete later apologizes sincerely.

In 2009, during Women’s semi- final US Open, a line judge issued a call against Serena Williams for a foot fault. Furious, Williams said, “I swear to God, I’ll f...ing take this ball & shove it down to your f.....ing throat. You better be glad— f....ing glad that I’ m not, I swear to God.”

Later, in an apology, Williams agreed, “my passion& emotion get the better of me & as a result I handled the situation poorly. I would like to thank my fans & supporters for understanding that”
Not a word of apology & her hurtful outburst was referred as “handling the situation poorly”
But, the very next day, Williams did show her true championship by correcting her apology with a much better attempt,
“I want to sincerely apologize first to  ‘the lines woman”’and mostly to my Tennis fans everywhere, for my inappropriate outburst. I need to make it clear to all young people that I handled
myself  inappropriately  and it’ s not a way to act— win or lose, good call or bad call, in any sport, in any manner”.
This is certainly a statement of true regret at the violation of social norms.

“Friends are God’s apology for relations,” says Hugh Kingsmill. How very true!! A true, sincere friendship is God’s gift to humanity. Still, very often our friendship is wrecked by thoughtless words or deeds. On such occasions only a humble, genuine apology from our heart can salvage the ruined friendship. It is certainly easier to forgive an ‘enemy’ than a friend, because when he hurts you, you half expect it. But when your friend hurts, you spend a lot of your time figuring out why it happened, instead of trying to get over the hurt. Naturally, forgiveness is a much longer process between friends

Years ago, when I was a lecturer in a College, my three friends, Jameela, Leela and Vijayalakshmi demanded a treat for my promotion as a Senior Lecturer .I agreed readily to invite them for lunch, on a holiday. But, Vijayalakshmi insisted on my treat in ‘Woodlands’ Hotel.
Then, I laughed & said, “C’mon, just because I’m a non- veg, don’t think I can’t cook vegetarian dishes, just tell me in advance what cuisine you prefer, Indian, Chinese, Italian, Thai, Mexican or American. Huh! You’re going to be surprised at your friend’s culinary expertise. Wait & see.”
When Jameela, Leela & I laughed, Vijaya almost stammered ,”Well, well, I…I….I’m an Orthodox Brahmin and — I ‘m afraid, I can’t eat in your house — you use the same cooking utensils for non-vegetarian dishes & vegetarian dishes. Sorry, that’s why — I suggested Woodlands”,
While Jameela& Leela stared at Vijaya in shocked disbelief, I escaped to the Library trying hard to control my tears of hurt & humiliation.
Later,Leela tried to convince me of Vijaya’s background as the daughter of a Brahmin priest in a village,  while Jameela  argued that it’s not an excuse  to hurt a friend’s feelings.

However, the very next week, the Selection Exam for the final year students started .And our invigilation duty was a Godsend for avoiding Vijaya effortlessly.

Then, one day while rushing to my Staff room to sign Register, I saw Vijaya sitting on one corner..As soon as I entered, she rushed towards me, hugged me, crying inconsolably. With tears rolling down her cheeks, Vijay said, “I’m sorry Sree, very sorry for my behavior the other day. I’m ashamed of myself , I’ m mean, cruel & barbaric ,I don’t deserve your forgiveness .I know.....,.. but...but” Before she could complete , I heard myself saying,” C’mon Vijaya, nothing happened to cry like this ;Sometimes we do hurt others unintentionally, but that only shows we are human”, I paused ‘“thank God, nobody is around to witness our drama, oh! yes, you are forgiven, happy? “
Then, handing over a small gift wrapped box, she said, “This’s home-made milk sweet for your sweet tooth & sweet heart”
While I chuckled almost grabbing it from her, Vijaya said,” You better fix a date during these holidays, all of us will have lunch in your house & after that a movie, “Gandhi” at my expense okay?”

The credit of our 40 years’ friendship goes to Vijaya’s sincere apology which showed her enormous strength to swallow all her pride, for the sake of holding on to our friendship. Vijaya’s sadness, remorse and humility worked like magic, inspiring a spontaneous friendship which stood the test of the time.

In India, apologies are not much heard of among the Political bigwigs. So, it is a matter of pride that the first Indian Prime minister Nehru, not only apologized to a judge for criticizing him at a press conference  but  also wrote a letter to the Chief justice of India,  regretting for having slighted the judiciary.

In India , politicians and people in high places spread scandals and rumors and often defamation suits are  reported .Now ,because of Social media ,very personal and intimate details of the private lives of public figures are fed to satisfy the voyeuristic tendencies among the audience  !!!

Compare this  trend with that of the USA, where public figures offer apology even when they wrong in their personal life.
 Arnold Schwarzenegger, former Governor of California & the husband of Maria Shriver, niece of Kennedy, publicly apologized for fathering a child with his housekeeper.
Similarly, President Clinton apologized for Monica Lewinsky affair, during his trial for impeachment.,

Lincoln’s apology, Pope John Paul 11th’s apology, George Patton’s apology etc. are known for their historical significance .
Lincoln, in his moving Second inaugural address, apologizes to the American slavery, -
“Two hundred and fifty  years of unrequited toil”’..........................It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just God’s assistance in wringing their bread  from the sweat of other men’s faces , but  let us judge not that we be not judged”


Pope John Paul 11th in his public apology, apologized to Jews, Galileo, women, Muslims killed by the Crusaders and almost everyone who, suffered at the hands of   ‘Catholic Church

, Pope Francis passionately pleaded for a new economic world ‘, asked forgiveness for the sins of Catholic Church  against Latin  America’s indigenous people and called on ‘humanity to save the planet from destruction caused by unfettered greed”.

President Obama was clearly setting an example for the young generation, when he sent a written apology to Ann Collins Johns, who teaches Art History in the University of Texas.
Hurt by Obama’s remark that technical training is preferable to a four year degree college experience in Art History, Jones sent an email to White House expressing her feelings. Imagine her surprise, when she got President’s hand- written apology for hurting her feelings, though unintentionally.
 
No doubt, an effective apology from the heart can work wonders in all personal and professional relationships. But often our ego, difficulty in admitting guilt and ignorance to apologize correctly damage our relationship permanently.

Never, ever give excuses like “if you think, I hurt you”, “if I made a mistake”, “I’m sorry, but…but”, ‘let bygones be bygones’ etc.
As Pope John Paul 11 observes correctly, “An excuse is worse and more terrible than a lie, for an excuse is lie guarded.”
So, take full responsibility and with remorse in your heart and sadness in your eyes, ask for forgiveness. Such an apology rewards both the offender & the offended. Remember, your apology does not necessarily mean that you are the wrong-doer,that only means you value your relationship much more than your ego.
According to Lynn Johnston, “An apology is the super glue of life, it can repair just about anything.” So, by mastering the art of apology which no doubt, ranks among the greatest arts of living, you can be always the  winner .

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Learn from animals 2020-10-05 17:04:50
”The famous Italian diver Enzo Mallorca dove into the sea of ​​Syracuse and was talking to his daughter Rossana who was aboard the boat. Ready to go in, he felt something slightly hit his back. He turned and saw a dolphin. Then he realized that the dolphin did not want to play but to express something. The animal dove and Enzo followed. At a depth of about 12 meters, trapped in an abandoned net, there was another dolphin. Enzo quickly asked his daughter to grab the diving knives. Soon, the two of them managed to free the dolphin, which, at the end of the ordeal, emerged, issued an "almost human cry" (describes Enzo). (A dolphin can stay under water for up to 10 minutes, then it drowns.) The released dolphin was helped to the surface by Enzo, Rosana and the other dolphin. That’s when the surprise came: she was pregnant! The male circled them, and then stopped in front of Enzo, touched his cheek (like a kiss), in a gesture of gratitude and then they both swam off. Enzo Mallorca ended his speech by saying: “Until man learns to respect and speak to the animal world, he can never know his true role on Earth." ~ Vangelis.” posted by andrew
Anthappan 2020-10-05 21:25:10
can a simple apology fix the problem and mend the relationship? I don't think so. If people keep on repeating the mistake and then apologize, again and again, is not going to fix the problem. We need to be vigilant about such offenders. Take the case of Trump. He has married three times and alleged to have a relationship outside marriage. He also has been alleged of sexual assault and sexual misconduct. He must have apologized thousands of times to Melina. There are so many people like him. The majority of his followers have his mind set. And, they need rehabilitation. These people will ask for the apology and from their victims a thousand times and then pounce on them. They need aggressive therapy. One of his stung supported was Jerry Falwell Jr. and I don't need to write about him and his hypocrisy.
Tom Abraham 2020-10-05 21:56:48
Apologies will sometimes take you to the court. In the present world, legal battles, relationships once broken, cannot be easily soldered back. Why talk about Trump who was exploited by many crooked women , got money, donations... Will Modi apologize, without photographic evidence will UP police apologize after PRIYANKA Attack ?
Ramarao Venkata Garimella 2020-10-06 16:43:31
An instructive and enlightening post. Most of us merely say, "I'm sorry" and be done with it.
Sringara nicklas 2020-10-07 14:56:43
Tom Abraham, kindly refrain from talking about Trump without knowing the actual facts. HE was the married man with a kid and a charlatan and a crook (and still is). He exploited them and tried to hush them up by giving them money and presents As many as 19 womn came forward to say how Trump had taken advantage of them because of power and money.Many of them had respectable careers. As Sreedevi rightly points out, a since apology entails a repentant heart and true sorrow for the hurt inflicted. The act in all likelihood will not be repeated. An apology which is only skin deep is superficial and hypocritical. Incidentally Trump NVER apologies.
Vaidehi 2020-10-08 00:10:34
Lovely article filled with instances that we can relate to. Thank you Sridevi Ma'am for the insight.
Jyothylakshmy Nambiar 2020-10-10 04:40:05
Sreedevi madam explains the art of apologizing in her essay. She says it is an art like music, painting and literature. We often hear the apologies haphazardly uttered without any regret or feeling of remorse. She has quoted examples in her article in her usual style. From time to time such articles become necessary for the readers to review and think profoundly about their habit and character. Civilized persons make a developed society who can say “thank you” and “sorry”. Madam, look forward to read more of your articles.
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